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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.